Lost & Found
Before sharing my story of yesterday let me say last two weeks have been quite mindblowing and unusual....amazing encounters, inspirational talks, happy horses, disappearing phone numbers, scrambled line when I want to express a wish, great work from the weaving tribe, no highly needed money to pass to the women as still no internet banking and just pretty promises, wonderful new plans, unable to send an email when there should not be a problem at all, some funding for our project, an amazing meditation and high energy that is in need of grounding....if I can't ground, I don't sleep well and get oversensitive...
After one of those nights I forget to take my bag to the stable. Which is to bad as I had noticed the fixing thing for Gamar got lame, so I got a new one just in case. The thing still closed so I thought I do it at lunch time. Well, didnt get to that. I find um Abdallah - my friend from the goats - shouting at my door. Shouting at me does not really help in me understanding anything, but not much use to express if something has happened. I did not fully understand, but sure was something about horse, stable and blood...I ran forward thinking my horse Gamar had fallen through the roof, yet - Thank God - I find them relaxing at their place.
There is a big hole in the roof of the chicken stable yet I find it hard to belief Gamar would create that and not fall through...she would be looking for food and nothing to find there. But possibly she was running happily around and jumped there...did not really get the picture, um Abdallah still shouting her story at me and my heart racing at the idea of Gamar falling through the roof....it did my head in and I start shouting back. Sometimes that needs, otherwise she may not take me seriously. I promise though to get some cement so we can fix the hole and just do the rest of previous damage as well. I go home, thanking God for protecting my horse and feeling very vulnerable in taking care of them. We need another safe place please. The answer came very quick....serious interest from a funding organisation for our weaving project. Okay...keeping faith.
Did some yoga to ground myself after all that shouting, filled the wheelbarrel with sand, bought a back of cement and asked the neighbor guy to help me out. He not just got the heavy wheelbarrel down, he immediately got in action too. Soon enough we were mixing cement, getting stones and fixing the hole up. Pretty cool we got it fixed so soon. Ya Hamdulilah. I took Gamar to do some ground work....first she was all energy, then it was gone, then got back, tried something else...it was a weird interaction. Which got interrupted by this old guy who complained I could not be on this land. The owner had not worked it so I did not agree. Then he wished to sell me something while eating me with his eyes and when I still did not 'work with him' he started asking questions which were none of his business. Quickly joined by this guy who had been circling around us and took his chance to come closer...'where are you from'....ya gallas, go home boys, don't annoye me and I urged Gamar forward using my big whip straight into them. The old man disappeared, the young guy grabbed his phone. Soon after the owner of the land appeared...shouting again from far. This shouting is so tiring. But sure enough is clear...he wished for me to leave his land as he had cultivated it. Ehrm? Where?! The only grass growing is from the seeds I had dropped...anyhow...no use reasoning.
Then Um Abdallah had arrived with her husband and two little cousins....shouting at the husband, shouting at the goats, shouting at the boys and sure I could not miss either. Yet we got things going while the husband had found a backdoor out. We mixed cement and pathed up the two stables in loud chaos...utter chaos...yet with Um Abdallah directing it got all done. We threw everything in the stable, boys left proud, um Abdallah left with her sister in law and I went for a walk with Raymaz. We passed the owner of the house closest of the stable who said my horse was loose and ate some of his greens. I sympathisized, yet did not give him to much chance to fall into his negative attitude as he is not our greatest fan..he rather sees us go than stay. I'll manage that later...enough local engagement alright.....or not?!
Did some nice work with Raymaz then back to the stable to feed the horses to find that the wire cutter had disappeared. Checked everywhere...nothing. Pfff....I'll get a new one in the morning. Feed the horses, ready to go home, take my bag....but WAIT....where is my wallet?! Oh no...its gone! money, cards, residence card, drivers license...I never take it to the stable, always put some money in my hipbag, yet I was sure I had taken it to buy cement and put it in my bag. Wallahi! I checked my hip pocket twice but the idea of theft had already stuck in my mind and I did not see the money in there. I lost it.
But who and when? I was just away for maybe 15 min till um Abdallah appeared, the dog would shout ;P if someone unfamiliar would arrive, so who then? One of the boys I know once took something small from the stable, now the wire cutter had gone ...but my wallet with my last 60 JOD? That was to much. I could not think straight anymore called out to the neighbor, who helped checking the stable again. Immediately he wished to go to Um Abdallah house, no I better block my creditcard - maybe the boy would buy a car with my creditcard?! - then arrived at a full house with um Abdallah. They gathered, listened and loudly discussed how and what. The boys were summoned and the girl who worked for the police loudly interrogated them. Oh gosh...they were so scared, I pitied them and interrupted. Told them what happened, asked how they had found the stable, seen anything and made it very clear...the money is okay...it comes and goes, but if you find the wallet & cards that would be cool. So we headed out again to the stable to do a round in the dark trying to find a black wallet on a rubbish strewn hill...ah so useless, yet action is needed. Nshallah we will find it. The boys had calmed down, the neighbor went on doing some othe work and I was invited for dinner at um Abdallah's.
I was totally drained, tired and speechless...better...shocked. Something was itching in the back of my mind but I could not get to it. Strange women gather around...hi, where are you from...ya walla...I can't talk. Lets eat....in Um Abdallah's dining room a big plate was awaiting us. I could not speak....just mulling over the events...till I was crying. Um Aballah the rock talked to me....did not understand a thing, but could hear she was trying to comfort me....she understands I do not understand and just passes me more chicken...yalla eat. I smile through my tears.
After we have tea and next to me sits a woman who cannot speak yet wishes to engage with me...she Umpfhes her questions and since I did not have any words left anymore this seemed the level of communication I was capable of so I gestured and smiled a bit. Then back to the stable to put blankets on the horses to find the other neighbor boy on the street. I share the story and he mentiones...the boys got scared shitless...if you threaten with the police and they have it, they will return it in the morning. Just make sure they know this. He sort of indicated I was to lenient with the boys. Really? But off I went...back to um Abdallah house were all the women were still gathered. Lots of shouting and responding and asking....again. They agreed, if the boys would have it, they probably are so scared now they will throw the wallet somewhere and you will find it in the morning. Nshallah. Meanwhile one woman is going to call the man from the cement to check if he found something.
And as the shouting has passed, I got heard and I relax more...I suddenly get an image that makes me understand I did not bring the wallet at all! Oh my GOD....this would be the biggest trick my mind would ever play on me so far (or not....needs to be discussed...anyhow). I felt so embarassed and sad for the boys, but still was not 100% sure. I did start turning the story around though. Mentioning that if it was lost I would need to go to the police for the insurance story, yet I would not mention the boys, they had enough. I could sense this found communal agreement, more relaxation. Then mentioned the weird day, made some jokes (I sure need a man as I am to much work to handle by myself, women laughing, old woman offering her son...yalla bukra) and then went home when I noticed finally um Abdallah had also grown tired of this day.
And indeed...back home....Wallet in my bag. Honestly...how could I not have seen it? I recalled the scary eyes of the boys and felt ashamed. How can I turn this around? If I say I did not find it, they will be punished, if I say I found it close to the stable they would be punished, so I would need to say it was found further away....more into the unknown far away from this little community that I am part of...an impersonal thief. After a big gulp of Vodka I fell asleep. And this morning, first thing um Abdallah asks if I found it...I tell her my story, she says she has been praying for this to happen, we say Hamdulilah and continue our work.
It makes totally sense the little boy did not steal something like this...he would be to scared and sure not able yet to buy a car :P....yet I can trust my intuition regarding the disappearance of those smaller things and it just pushed me over the edge and lost my mind...I could not see as much as I was trying to find an answer being in the turmoil of it all prevented me from seeing. So when I ask how come this could happen I guess it has some unknown learnings for all involved. Mine is: to find a man to balance my high energy and find a space where I can do my work a bit more freely. Nshallah.