Unveiling Soul Truths
Recently I worked with Gamar - she is now nearly 18 years old and has been with me for almost 14 years. She is the mother of my herd, the wisdom keeper and nurturer and the guide on my path with horses. We do little riding now, mostly I walk and lunge her, being with her in the open desert space. And that evening - in the glow of the setting sun - she gave me the same message as many years ago…
Nour and I playing in Wadi Rum
Back then I decided to come to Jordan to be with horses and to paint, these were my goals and all was directed at experiencing that - every thought, word, action and dinar was aimed at fulfilling those dreams. And it worked! I found my beautiful horse, I painted, found a nice place and a few friends. I created and manifested, bit by bit…yet it didn’t feel - as some teachers say - ‘magical’ or ‘in the flow’ or 'co-creation with the divine’, rather I was struggling, pushing, working really to hard, sacrificing. Yet there was no - one in human form to reflect with, no like- minded person or teacher to possibly open my awareness - I put myself out there in the desert exactly with the purpose to find my source of creative abundance through working with the horses.
One day a film crew from the Netherlands came with quite a known presenter to experience a horse session on camera. We created a Bedouin sitting space with view into the valley. I had the task to set up a small paddock to work with the presenter and my horse Gamer. It was quite an effort to put something together with whatever we found at the stable. Some poles, plastic tubes and ropes did the trick. As we were waiting for the crew to arrive, Gamar got a bit restless, so I took her out for a short run so she would be willing to collaborate in that small paddock we created. As they arrived, we come galloping up the hill, the sun already low on the horizon, a young woman dressed in black bareback on her mare. They quickly got their camera’s out - ready for action.
We started the interview, then did a meditation against the rocks, that was my first guided meditation ever - me and known presenter captured by a rolling camera. Alright, seems I found some purpose there. We then moved on to the paddock, Gamar was waiting patiently, yet as soon as we stepped through the ropes - she stepped OUT! She had been in there all this time, and it felt as a clear message. However not for my guest, but for me: I had put so much hard effort in creating the paddock and she just said: You do not need this box, yallah. She now was patiently waiting outside. I was to stunned to act for a moment and my guest said, let’s go to her. She had a beautiful interaction with Gamar that brought tears and healing.
Although I quickly understood Gamar’s message back then, really integrating it into my life and fully understanding its meaning has been a 12 year journey.
Over the years Gamar gave me several foals and due to the growing herd, I kept moving from one stable place to another in order to be able to live closer to my horses. With the 3rd foal Zahir there and more work announcing itself, we moved to Wadi Rum where I would have better space to offer my yoga and horse retreats, ride and paint again. Zahir unfortunately was not a very healthy horse - he regularly would suffer from severe colics and I could not find out the reason. He would have little energy, but no real cause could be found. When Gamar got Alyaan, he found a friend. When he would be tired, Alyaan would stand with him. Alyaan would invite him to play and little by little their bond grew and Zahir also got physically stronger. I could work more with him on the lunge line and he would participate in constellation sessions. His calm and sweet demeanour touched many hearts.
One day - as I had been contemplating to sell him to a friend to teach children how to ride - he had a powerful message for me: he walked straight up to me and bowed his head. I stood with him for quite a while and felt my emotions. Then he looked several times from me to the herd that had collected on the other side of the paddock. A large paddock this time :). I thought he needed me to lead him back to the herd, not away, so I tried to bring him, yet he kept stepping back into his position. Then I felt I had to walk over to my herd and as soon as I stepped in front of them, Gamar instantly turned around and let out a sigh…and so did Zahir. It was clear, Zahir would go.
When we open ourselves to the wisdom in nature, we understand these messages of the horses and consciously work with them. Yet on a much deeper level something gets touched, something that is ready to be turned into golden light, something that has been waiting to come into our awareness is activated. These messages of the horses open a pathway to our Soul, through our passions and work and dedication, their wisdom slowly emerging….till it suddenly stands right in front of you. A certain idea, a deep knowing, a purpose, a plan has become crystal clear and Is ready to bring more meaning to our lives.
Zahir had another powerful last message before he left us on the 10th of August. He had been enjoying free desert runs with his herd, cuddles with his French volunteer and even a few horse rides. His eyes where shining, yet his body was failing him. When I was in the Netherlands he suddenly passed away. Nothing could be done. We weren’t there to burry him and some neighbours pulled him away from the paddock. I was promised that he would get buried, yet a few days ago I rode out with Remaz who took a short cut home. We had a beautiful trot as suddenly I see Zahir’s body just 2 meters away from our path….decayed, really dead. My brain instantly registered: he is dead, he is not in pain, his soul has gone. Yet my heart and gut wrenched….with the little care and respect for my sweet horse Zahir.
How can I be in this desert space, in my creative abundance if I am surrounded with and can be exposed any time to so little care and utter disregard, even from someone close to me. How do I manage this? And unlike before 13 years ago in Petra, I now had my support system: my mother with sweet words, my volunteer with kind attention, my dogs and cats, my close friends at home and my online constellation work. As feeling connected is not limited to space and time - also something I very much learned being out in the desert - I came into the meeting with this question and received some amazing insights and confirming the path forward: be real, honest and focus on creative abundance. And it gave me peace.
Peace to address what needed to be said. Not getting distracted, I was fully present, I could not be anything else, peeling away layers of cultural restriction on hearing a woman by expressing my thoughts, and needs and wishes. That has been my mission here in the desert, that is the last beautiful message Zahir has given me: to experience what I came to set out so many years ago: to align my strength and my vulnerability into creative abundance and into full presence with other humans.
We honoured Zahir by burning his body, and though our hearts we felt him leave, with a happy gallop he bolted of into the setting sun.
The day after I worked with Gamar, I took her out for some work on the lunge line. She never was much up for running in circles - this Endurance babe - but okay, if needed. I tried to activate her, but it felt a bit like a struggle and then it came to me again - that message from so many years ago: chose space, trust the connection, let it flow. So instead of keeping her on the circle I intended I followed her lead in a direction then kept her on circle…so like a moving circle into the desert space. Sun setting behind us. And there she showed herself….her energy could move up, she galloped around and shouted for the others. Her full beauty could be present.
My heart melted as I saw her run in her beloved desert space.